A N G R Y

January 4, 2020

HI! HOW ARE YOU DOING? OH, ME? IM JUST PISSED OFF, NBD.

my parents. keep refusing to get the cat some damn help. and then ofc it pees in places it shouldn’t and poops outside the litterbox!! IT’S AN ANIMAL WHICH DESERVES CARE! IF YOU DONT CARE FOR IT, IT WILL TRY TO TELL YOU THAT IT’S SICK SOMEHOW!

but no, it’s all the cats fault. How DARE IT BECOME SICK WHEN THEY FEED THEM. IT SHOULD BE GRATEFUL WE HOUSE IT AND HAVEN’T KICKED IT OUT EVEN THOUGH I KEEP SCREAMING THAT WE SHOULD LET IT GO AND DIE ON THE STREETS DESPITE IT KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT SURVIVING OUTSIDE AND KNOWS NO ONE EXCEPT US THREE. and even I’ll be gone tomorrow so I don’t even know what it’ll do. I want to go but I want to bring it with me and take good care of it. FUCK THIS!

I also have to study for an interview on Wednesday, pack for tomorrow, send two emails to a company, go to an office that is an hour away from my apartment. I’m going back tomorrow and I’m stressed as shit. I also have 20 pages of an assignment to do and I have to get started on my research project because others are almost halfway done. It’s insanely pressurising. I feel like I suffer from executive dysfunction and I don’t know how to stop. I feel so weirdly trapped. Oh, and in these two days I also fought with both my parents because they kept saying things in a passive aggressive way. And then felt guilty about it because that’s how things go in this house. I definitely cannot survive two weeks here. On a good note, I’m going back!

I don’t know how to just be. I just had an extremely long conversation with a close friend about how he’s apolitical and how it’s SHITTY because of all the different reasons but he still thinks politics is dirty and horrible and we should stay away. And tHEN he ended the conversation without a proper response. Hella mature. Things are just insufferable at the moment and it makes me feel like I want to cry.

That’s it. I didn’t want to blog until I’d done SOMETHING productive but guess not. I finished ODAAT and I started on my interview studies, but it’s nothing.

bye.

luna.

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NYE 2020, bye 2019!

Ok I didn’t post yesterday because I fell asleep around midnight watching Elisa & Marcella. Starting a new decade with a completely GAY black and white period film is just, truly the essence of who I am.

Yesterday mostly went by long series of naps. Oh, and I started this show called one day at a time & it makes me so happy to see latinx representation & it gives me the curiosity to learn more about their culture.

it’s new years, and 2020 is finally here. I made it to this year which is surprising in itself. Here’s to more surprises and joy in this upcoming year.

love you muchly,

luna.

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winter fog, burgers, and 2019 gratitude //

I got out of the house for the first time in a week today, only to see fog covering every inch of the city- so thick, nothing was visible. It was. So. Cold.

But I had to go for getting some documents ready, which meant for me being with my parents all day. I watched adults messing with exam deadlines like cute little college teenagers. It was fun. Not the cold, and also not the lack of phone battery DESPITE ME PUTTING IT ON CHARGE yesterday night. (Turns out the cable was loose. Sigh. WHY?)

this beautiful message that a friend sent me, that I never want to forget. ever.

Anyway.

We had lunch outside. Three burgers & chicken biryani. Freaking delish. Probably also the best part of my day, along with ALL THE LITTLE PUPPIES THAT LIVE IN MY APARTMENT.

I was busy most of the day, so didn’t get anything major done. Discovered a lot of new music & made a new playlist, so that was fun. Maybe I’ll share it, if I ever find a way to edit my damn username on Spotify. OOH, and I installed letterboxd today. One step closer to documenting more of the art I consume.

When we came back home, I wrote a throwback post about how my 2019 went on social media, & thanked all of my closest friends this year for existing with me. It was wholesome, fulfilling, and beautiful.

That’s it for today. I love you, if anyone’s reading this.

all the light in the night sky,
luna.

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lamb chops, 70 books, and a new bucket list //

29 december, 2019

hi, again.

I feel insanely tired as I write this, but I didn’t want to end the day without writing about it, so here goes.

I spent the entire goddamn day downloading books. Remember how I told you I started a new Goodreads page yesterday? I explored books, and I felt like I REALLY had to get a fresh TBR list and some books to read for the upcoming year, and in my pursuit of figuring out a decent place to get books online, I ended up finding a WONDERFUL site, and spent the entire. day. downloading books. I couldn’t stop. My brain hurt & my eyes were tired and my fingers felt like they’d fall off, but I ended up at 9pm with 72 new books in my phone library, and I intend to read as many possible as much as possible. The goal for 2020 is 12, considering my schedules, but let’s see what I do! No high hopes, no promises, just a whole lot of excitement.

During the day, though, I made lunch. Lunch for today was mutton curry with rice, and I also made some grilled lamb chops using a very adorable Gordon Ramsey video with his daughter, which turned out incredibly nice. Definitely the highlight of my day.

I spent a considerable amount of time with my cat & my bird today while downloading my books, which, I AM SHAKING (tiredly) WITH EXCITEMENT TO READ, but there’s all the time in the world, and finally have something to look forward to.

Speaking of things to look forward to, I also started making a very small bucket list of sorts for the upcoming year, which I’ll share, and keep updating as I think of newer things to do.

1. Read 12 books minimum.
2. Attend a concert.
3. Release an original song across platforms.
4. Learn about personal finance.
5. Start & maintain a commonplace book.
6. Figure out a proper skincare routine.
7. Figure out a proper haircare routine.
8. Make 5 paintings.
9. Perform poetry on stage atleast thrice.
10. Write 100 new poems.

That’s all I have to tell for now. My phone’s battery is draining as fast as my own, so I’ll go put it on charge & go rest. If anyone’s reading this, I hope you’ve had a good day, too.

with love and prayers,
luna.

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a letter to my ex

tired of writing these to you, honestly.

I’ve unfollowed you on Instagram. Again. It hurts that you’re with her. Yes, even now. I don’t know what to you tell you. Even two years and a real, new, amazing relationship later, it still hurts to see you with her. Loving her, being with her, doing new things with her. Doing the same things with her that you used to do with me. I unfollowed her too, by the way. She posts a lot about being in love with you and being the only person who you love. About how she gets to call you a specific name that only she gets to hear. About how your mother loves her, the same way she used to love me. She posts all the little things you write for her, and truly, sometimes I feel like sending her the same words you sent to me, once. I know you mean them with her. But you did with me, too, until you didn’t. Your mother loved me too, until she didn’t. But I don’t. I watch her stories and feel pangs of pain in my heart, and then I go about my day like nothing ever happened.

I know you don’t understand me being hung up on you because you got over me like, two seconds after we ended, but this is what it is. I don’t know if it makes me weak or pathetic. I’ve tried to get over you in every possible way that I can think of. I’ve disliked you. Hated you. Hated this stupid fixation over you. Hated the fact that even though I have a new person who I love very much, who’s amazing and caring and patient, I feel like I’m being unfair to him by having this feeling that never goes away. So yeah, I’ve unfollowed you. I don’t know if you’ll notice. I think that… this time, it’s the last, but I think that everytime, so I don’t know when to believe myself and when to not. Maybe I’ll follow you again sometime. When I have lesser expectations from you. When I stop hoping that you’ll still care about my existence. My life. About us, even if in a reminiscent way. I know that’s never going to happen and I know you’re not ever going to be bothered about whether I live or die. You made that pretty clear when you didn’t respond to my cry for help when I felt like killing myself. In a way, it’s my fault for reaching out to you. It’s my fault for letting you have the power to break my heart a million times over & over & over again. So yes, I’m following you. I know I need to leave you in the past, I’m just trying to make it happen now. Again. For the millionth time. I feel weak, but this decision was made with strength & respect for myself.

definitely not yours,

luna.

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dancing, resolutions, and joaquin phoenix //

28 december, 2019.

I feel like today was both uneventful & remarkable at the same time. The best part of my day was definitely when my therapist, upon learning about my constant state of inactivity, told me to get my blood pumping in a way that I liked- so I blasted music for a full 20 minutes and danced to my heart’s content. How exhilarating!

On where I am regarding resolutions & preparations for the upcoming year, I’ve learnt what kind of a person I want to be, courtesy of a very kind fellow blogger. I’ve decided that in 2020, I want to be:

  • kind
  • creative
  • hardworking
  • caring
  • helpful
  • open
  • patient
  • calm
  • optimistic
  • sensible
  • considerate
  • loving
  • growing
  • aware
  • resilient
  • keen to learn
  • always creating art, and
  • successful in my endeavors.

Now, I realise it’s vague, but it’s a start. I want to keep creating in 2020. Learning. Reading. Singing. Making & consuming an insane amount of art.

Speaking of art, I watched Joker today. It made me shiver, terrified me down to my bones because I saw myself in him, not because people are rude to me (I have an abundance of love in my life) but because I could relate to Arthur’s mental illness, the jokes about suicide & his bouts of anger (things I’ve seen in myself at times.) My anger is one of the most horrible things about me, and so far I’ve tried my absolute best to control & manage it.

Another thing I take away from this movie is the fact that kindness is so very important. It always has been to me for as long as I remember, but this movie only reenforces it very well. Also, we really should eat the rich.

this wonderful thing I learned called the velocity of money. EAT THE RICH!

My hatred for capitalism aside, there are a lot of things on my mind. I’m home for the holidays, and it really reminds me sometimes that my parents are getting older- my father has to squint to see his phone screen and has his font size to the maximum level possible, and my mother has gotten more grey hairs than ever before, and it’s a concept that is so wild and unbelievable to me. I love my parents so much, even in the moments that I utterly dislike them and their various beliefs and ways of parenting, and I absolutely hate the fact that they’re growing older by the day. I don’t want to spend more time thinking about this because it upsets me a lot.

I also spoke with a really, really dear friend of mine over call today, and it was so lovely to hear her voice & listen to her reminiscing over growing up. It made me feel so warm & beautiful. I made a new Goodreads account too after deleting my previous one, so that I can focus on reading more. I also gave a good friend a contact for therapy. I hope she gets better soon.

I didn’t do anything productive today in terms of working for job interviews or college, so that’s still on the line. But there’s time, I feel.

That’s about it for today.

With all the warmth in my heart,

luna.

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27 december, 2019.

It’s nearly 3am, and I’m doing this in a desperate attempt to make the upcoming decade worthwhile. You see, I did the exact same thing five years ago when I was depressed & 14, and I made myself an entirely new internet personality that helped me out of the slump I’d gotten into. Still, five years later, I’m exactly back to where I was- mental health wise & blog-wise, but this time, I am going to make sure this isn’t a new personality. This blog, full & final, is going to be a clear reflection of who I am- no drafts, no edits, no polishing. Anonymous, away from everyone in my life. At least as of now. I want to be able to express myself as vividly as I can, in the sort of way you’d only be able to express to someone who you’re never going to meet or see ever again. I want this blog to follow me around for life & all its little moments, and I hope I discover myself completely within these pixels.

2020 is coming up, which means for me- college graduation & the beginning of a work-life & turning 20. I don’t know how long I’ll keep this up or how consistent I’ll be with it, and I sorely hope no one ever finds out about it & links it back to me (in which case, it would be a humongous disaster, and I will definitely have to vanish off the face of the Earth, especially if I open up about all of my secrets & thoughts.)

But enough of the dramatics. I still haven’t figured out what I hope to achieve in the upcoming year or decade, and I certainly haven’t the faintest clue of who I really am & what I want. Hopefully, things will clear up a bit with time.

But till then, I guess I’m sticking with you. I want this blog to include a lot of art, honest ramblings, and hopefully happy things. (unlike bullet journal 2017, which suffered a rather unpleasant torching in my bathroom. that is not to mean that it’ll drift away from honesty in an attempt to be exultant, of course.) I want to consume art & write about it, share playlists & books & poetry.

Can’t wait to get started.

with a lot of love,

luna.

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